Going into the holidays, I expected to be sad. Honestly, I did! I figured Danny’s hearing loss would be bumming me, all the things he’s missing. Instead, I find myself totally fine with it. I know we’re going in the right direction, and it’s been over 6 months since we found out he was deaf. Sucks, but it is what it is. There was a brief rebellion in me when we first got the insurance approval in – I went from being elated the first day to being a little bummed the second, because I realized how much I don’t want to be doing this. I absolutely, for certain, want cochlear implants for my son … but I don’t want a deaf son. Of course, that’s never going to change, I love him and am so thankful for all the gifts he has given me and all the things I have learned thanks to his deafness, but there will always be a small part of me that wishes he weren’t deaf. I got over that though. I’m happy. I’m excited. I spoke with Danny’s surgeon yesterday, he’s going to get with our audiologists and then start looking at a date. A date!

What’s getting me this month has nothing to do with the holidays – the anxiety. I’m nervous. Insurance approval makes it real that my son is going to go through some pretty major surgery. Yikes! I am also anxious about him and his implants. He keeps popping his hearing aids out because all he does, still, is roll around. That’s not going to work with an implant, not so well at least! So then I think, but he’ll be mobile soon. Except I’ve been thinking that for months. And then the CMV Boogeyman rears his ferocious head, and I start seriously fretting. Is he not crawling yet because he can’t? He’s got the muscle strength, I can put him on his hands and knees and he’ll stay there and rock, but was his brain messed up after all and he’s not smart enough to figure out how to get on his hands and knees my himself? Is he unable to learn how to learn over from sitting to get onto hands and knees? Has he reached some kind of glass ceiling? Does his brain not have the control over his body to pull up on things?

And if he isn’t able to do these things, how are we going to manage his cochlear implants so that we can keep them on all waking hours and actually help him use them?

Ugh ugh ugh.

So that’s why I’m not posting much. Ha! I talk myself down every time I work myself up, and I figure no one wants to wade through drama like that. I look at Danny and see how well he’s doing, how much worse he could be, and am so happy, so thankful. I feel greedy – he’s alive, he’s better than he could be. I have two beautiful sons. I am so blessed!

Of course, then there is Eric. Oh, is he pushing these past couple days! But I love watching him and Christmas still. Our trip to Nebraska this year was so awesome, seeing him and Teyla running around together. Danny loves the tree, he’ll roll over and play with it and the lights from underneath, and he loved watching the toddlers go. Yay Christmas!

I have a video, but I haven’t cut it and uploaded it yet. I got a camcorder for Christmas from my parents and WOW is it gorgeous!