Hospital Anxiety
Filed Under (CMV & Special Needs) by Kel on 04-02-2010

One would think, after a 2 month NICU stay, a marathon ABR, 6 weeks of visit to the viral specialist, a massive 7 hour surgery, three minor outpatient procedures, and regular visits to the doctor’s building attached to it, that I would be over that constricting feeling in my chest when I think about visiting the hospital. And yet when I got a call this morning from the St. John’s Mercy administration my first reaction was to hold my breath, and I got flutters in my stomach.

They were just confirming some information before his appointment next week. That’s fine, but now, with a week to go, I wish they’d waited until the day before. I dislike NICU follow ups anyway, and can’t wait to be rid of them – when do they run out, anyway?


Any doctors hiding in there?

I suppose it’s one of those things that just hits home every now and then, no matter how distant it becomes. Talking with Nat, she’s mentioned how ultrasounds get to her, and how she hates to be in the same ultrasound room she was in when she found out Devin had passed away… I think it’s the same thing for me. To this day, that drive down the highway that I made far too many times takes my mind places I’d rather not revisit, and I wonder sometimes if I’ll ever entirely lose that.

Maybe we should have gone with the deaf school down that road instead of avoiding it, simply to give me another association. Of course, even though it’s the same building as our pediatrician (whom I love), I still think of the doctor’s building out the other direction as where my perinatologist was, and avoid going down the hall that took me to all those damned ultrasounds.


No, really, what’s in there?

Some memories fade with time; others seem to have crystallized. Fortunately, they have a happy ending in our brilliant little boy – who, by the way, is now saying “bababa” all the time. He’s sacrificed those rare “hi” and “uh oh” sounds for it, but I remember Eric dropping sounds and words once he’d played with them a bit, so I don’t worry.

I’ll be glad when I don’t have to visit the hospital at all and I can place all those icky feelings on a shelf, never to be touched again.

     

 

Comments

Tammy on 4 February, 2010 at 3:49 pm #

First, YAY Danny for a new sound! Very exciting! We lost this one some time ago, but like you said, they come and go!
Ya, not fun on the going down not so fun memory lane. I’m glad we moved because Aiden’s AVT and audi appts in Texas were right smack dab next door to where my dad spent some of his final days. Not fun and I cried after each appt. I dreaded them because of it. Good luck and hopefully these follow ups will be gone for good real soon!


Kim on 4 February, 2010 at 3:54 pm #

I’d never really thought of it before, but I have the same sort of anxiety. Every time I am in the hospital (which is often) I walk past the escalators that took me up to my bi-weekly ultrasounds, which were usually full of bad news. I’ve come to dread doctor’s visits, wondering what they’re going to say or if there is a new diagnosis on the horizon. Sigh.

In other news, yay for new sounds! What a miracle that must be for you!


manda on 5 February, 2010 at 11:38 pm #

I’ve told you before, I skipped NICU followups. I figured it was a way for them to keep billing insurane, and we had a case manager and a plethora of therapists, so I just didn’t go. Even after Aleah died, I didn’t take Ada.

I didn’t have anxiety when I went to have Micah, even when they told me that she was going to the NICU, I didn’t freak. The charge nurse for the NICU came to speak with me, and I told her my concerns and fears. I never had to step foot in the NICU, but if I had, I’m sure that the anxiety would’ve come full force. I used to get light headed just driving to the hospital. I was put in the room next door to the room I was in when I had the twins and I was okay. It fades, it does. I live in fear of the day I have to take Ada, Willa, or Micah to the ER where we said our final goodbyes to Aleah, so I guess some parts of it do linger.


Kel on 6 February, 2010 at 7:52 am #

I’ve been seriously considering making this the last one, even if they say we “should” have more. Before now, I’ve had concerns about Danny and wanted to keep touch with his neurologist just in case…but at this point, I’m past that.


Heather on 16 February, 2010 at 5:09 pm #

I don’t blame you for wanting to be past all that!


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