As expected, cycle 2 didn’t do it. That’s why I made such an effort to convince myself it wouldn’t happen, and as a result, I was disappointed but not sad. Besides, this time I could say my first was on the first cycle (since technically my first cycle off birth control we weren’t TTC, as John was out of town the two weeks that mattered), my second was conceived on the second cycle, and my third conceived on the third. Cool, right?
Of course, on the flip side, this cycle’s baby would be due the day before Danny’s birthday. If we didn’t conceive, I wouldn’t be sad to let the two children have a bit of time between their birthdays!
I want to be more relaxed about TTC this month, though. We’ll see how that works out!
Tested negative, as expected. My temp did bump back up today, but a large part of me is still preparing for a negative overall and disappointment. The two week wait has whittled down to the weekend wait – we’ll see what the weekend, and Monday, brings.
Well, I have a cold (and a pretty good one), which means any kind of symptoms I’m having are related to that rather than any potential pregnancy. I feel nasty – a very annoying cough, stuffed nose, a stomach that turns most of the time I eat, and a rising feeling in my throat any time my stomach turns, not to mention an off-and-on headache. Woo! Life is good, I tell you. As far as whether this is the month or not, I haven’t a clue. It’s hard to read my body when it’s being ravaged by sick. My temps took a big dip at 7dpo, took a giant leap up at 8dpo, then have dropped to the lower end of my post-O levels at 9dpo. What does it mean? Nothing, that’s what. At least, I’ve got nothing.
I really do want this, I’ve realized. I sometimes wonder about how I’ll manage with 3, and I really wonder and worry about how Danny will handle having someone else take the spot on my lap a lot of the time… He always seems to be on me these days! I know we’ll figure it out though, just like we figured it out when Danny came along and Eric was rousted from his spot. I keep seeing babies, and baby clothes, and thinking to myself, Yes, yes, this is what I want, crazy as that may be.
First though, to get pregnant. I’m planning on testing tomorrow, then on Monday, assuming tomorrow’s is negative (which is honestly what I expect, but it’s driving me nuts).
Yes, once again, it’s time to start obsessing and cataloging things just in case I end up pregnant. I’m torn between the feeling that I’m going to get pregnant this cycle (because it happened on the second cycle both other times) and that there’s no way I’m going to get pregnant (because it happened on the second cycle both other times). I’ve been trying very hard to just put it out of my mind. But once again, I am feeling sick just at the perfect time for it to “maybe” be a pregnancy sign.
Yesterday, I spent the day with a mucous-y feeling in my throat…that feeling you get when you have a runny nose and it’s running down your throat, only my nose was clear. I woke this morning with a sore throat that has since faded back to to the mucous-y feeling again and a constant need to cough or clear my throat. My stomach was mildly upset this morning, but nothing that strong, and my chart took a massive temperature dip of about 0.8 degrees. All of this has my brain screaming “Something’s happening! Something’s happening!” Then I temper myself back down by pointing out how very early it is, and how I really shouldn’t even be showing any kind of signs yet.
A part of me thinks it’s all psychosomatic.
I hope it’s not.
Once upon a time, there were givens in life. If I wanted to get pregnant, I would. Once I was pregnant, it was jut a matter of waiting 9 months, and a healthy baby would be in my home. That baby would grow up, walk, talk, go to high school, learn to drive, get a job… It was all a given.
I wish it still was.
I catch myself talking about and planning for our next child in maybes. “Maybe we will have a baby this time next year.” “If all goes well, we won’t be going to the circus next year.” “Hopefully, if I get pregnant this month, we’ll have a baby in February.”
Nothing is certain, a lesson I learned far too well in 2008. Every time I make one of those “maybe” statements, I wince. It’s a reminder that pregnancy doesn’t come with a guarantee; if we get pregnant (not a certainty, with as often as I’ve seen friends struggle trying to accomplish it), nothing says the baby will make it, and if he or she does, nothing says they will be healthy.
I hope, wish, pray it is so…but I can’t just assume it anymore.
I don’t even know what all is causing all the half-nausea I’ve been having without developing into a full blown bug – but it’s definitely not pregnancy at this point! Apparently my gut was right that my body wouldn’t be ready on the first cycle after being on the pill; I had a borderline-too-short luteal phase to support implantation and pregnancy, something not uncommon when coming off hormonal birth control. This leaves me starting a new cycle, dusting off and getting ready for another go around. I had a pang of disappointment, but honestly? I’m fine with this. It would be just plain silly of me to be super disappointed that it is going to take me more than a month to get pregnant! Maybe if it takes another 5 or 6, I’ll start complaining. For now, I’m looking forward.
This go around gives me more ideal timing; there is more “wiggle room” if we have another premature baby to land in the right year for our insurance. Of course, it’s kind of the perfect timing, because anything after this would be later than I’d originally hoped; the next cycle would have the baby due right around Danny’s birthday, the one after that right around Danny’s original due date (and all the ties that link to that, including the memories of things going wrong with Danny, and even more the memories of Devin…). That being said, I will take whatever blessing I get!
The funny part? Based on LMP (last menstrual period), my due date would be Valentine’s Day. Unlike a lot of people, I’m not in love with that. In fact, the opposite; the best thing about it is that babies are so rarely born ON their due dates that I can be fairly confident my poor child won’t be stuck with that birthday. I had a friend in high school born on Valentine’s Day, and she said it was insufferable.